The small cardboard box sat quietly on the old dresser, collecting layers of dust. Inside the box was a shiny silver pin attached to a blue and white ribbon. The ribbon rested on top of a palm-sized, white ceramic lamp. It had taken almost four years of pain, turmoil and self-sacrifice to achieve the contents of this box. What lay inside was just a symbol of an institution that represented healing and compassion for the masses of the sick and dying. It was a place among the angels for the bearer of this lamp. It was an achievement certain to bring financial freedom and spiritual fulfillment to its holder. This lamp was to shatter the darkness with its gentle light.... but now what had symbolized a human extension of God's grace and mercy, was no more than a piece of junk littering the dresser top and gathering dust.
What had truly happened, only God knows. Perhaps one day, the box will be dusted and its contents set out on a desk to be displayed. But for now it will sit and collect dust......
God's will. What is that? I never knew for sure but only that He always seems to push me in directions I care not to go. Those places are difficult, butt-busting and laborious. I never get what I want, but I do get what I need and then there is positive growth. Now at times this is so annoying because I did not plan on this nor did I want to do this or even want this, but it turned out well. Sweet but also aggravating- kinda like the relentless "I told you so's" your parents shower you with after you made a dumb mistake. They had seen it all along as you blindly resisted, but in the end, you sit back and say, "wow, glad I did not...whatever.." So it is with God's Will. ;^)
Things seem shrouded in mystery. Just everyday stuff like will I get to work without some asshole crashing into my car? Will my kids get home safely? Why is it that no matter how hard I plan and work, things go in some weird direction anyway? Case in point- this stupid cardboard box of dreams I worked so hard for that now just gathers dust.
Nobody knows God's ways except to say they are mysterious. Now that irks the hell out of me. Tells me nothing more than I already had surmised. Whatever.
I have been told that some people followed my facebook posts over the years while I was slaving after that box. They had told me it brought them hope and inspiration. How could that be? I was nothing special. Just a servant who was saved by God's grace, put her sinful ways aside and focused on doing His work. I was not proud of my past but it is the foundation of what I have become. We all have a platform of sin that can be surrendered and used to build a good house, or be kept for a bad house that crumbles. This all depends on one's own choices.
Sin just sucks. Oh it is gratifying for a while. You take what you want- how much and whenever. Who cares about the heads stepped on to get your goals achieved. Sin is easy. One can really go far being selfish and
deceitful. I never went for the monetary gains as much as I went for the possession of someone's soul. It was more important to prove my sense of self worth by getting somebody to give up everything for me. Wow was that selfish! So the sin was fun for a time and I got what I had wanted but along with the broken person I took, came a life of misery and suffering- just the price to pay for that tasty morsel. Stupid satan was probably laughing his dumb ass off as God shook His head in sorrow.
Back in 1989, I had woke up in a drunken stupor only to find a startling discovery. There was blood in my bed and a razor. My wrist was nicked up and hurting. Sometime during my "blackout" my hands were on auto pilot, busily trying to carve out an artery. Holy hell!! I had no recollection of this, but there it was- the profound evidence! If I continued to drink later that night, my suicide attempt just might be successful. I was terrified. I needed help but I had no power over alcohol. It was certain, inevitable death for me if I continued on. The man named Christopher who had badgered me to get sober was only a phone call away. Stumbling, head pounding and sick I fell to the floor crying, "God please save me... I will do anything you want if you will just save me, please, I promise!!"
The phone call went through. "Will you be okay for ten minutes?", the man asked. My answer was a yes. And true to his promise, Christopher came and hauled me off for coffee and AA. I went to eight AA meetings that day. The desire to drink always hit around seven pm, so I really had to surround myself with strength around this time. For the next few days I experienced severe withdraw, complete with the DT's, projectile vomiting, sweats and headache. Christopher stayed close at hand to be sure I could get through. The process was painful but eventually went away. Even my swollen abdomen shrank as the liver got to repair itself.
When I take care of an "Etoh Withdraw" patient it amazes me how I had survived my own painful withdraw with out the medical interventions of today. This makes me thank God even more. Alcoholism is a disease and it does not care who you are or your social standing. It will kill you.
Well, the hours turned into days and the days into weeks.. weeks into months and then months into years. Years became decades. My sobriety is a gift and a choice. I can drink if I want to... but I choose not to. We all have our reasons for picking up the booze. Mine was a date rape back in a time when women did not come forth unless they wished to be humiliated in court. I lived with the shame for tens years before I told my parents. My dad had been a police chief in the town where I grew up. It was one of his auxiliary police officers who had done the deed. I am sure this man has no idea how much it had ruined my life for many years. It even helped destroy two marriages and drove me to drink and do cocaine when I was in my twenties. January 8, 1989 was a day that changed my life with the grace of God.
Yes, I have forgiven this man in my heart and asked God to be merciful. I have not seen him since the incident in 1979, nor do I want to. But if he is out there- DW thank you for making me who I have become. Because of your deed, I understand the deep pain and suffering of rape victims. My pain is still there but it manifests in a form of compassion that gives the victim a being to trust. In my short career of EMS, I have transported many young rape victims to pyschiatric facilities. They have come to learn- they are not alone and that there is hope of healing if you want it! All I can say is- PRAISE GOD.
So as my cardboard box gathers its dust, I can only sit and wonder... what is God's Will here? In retrospect, it has been proven over and over again to me that He is always there. His Will, mysteriously, will become obvious in the time to come. He must have seen me struggling with the newly achieved contents of the cardboard box. With a wave of His hand, my obligation to my employer vanished, I got two weeks vacation pay and time off with my family. Miraculously, my chest pains have gone, my blood pressure is within normal limits and I am re-discovering the joy of just being a mother, an artist, EMT and a servant of God. All of this had been sacrficed to get that damn box!
So in the higher scheme of things, it is okay to allow the box to gather some dust. God's Will prevails whether I like it or not, but true to my promise, I will strive to do His will for the rest of my life on earth. He is pushing me in directions I do not care to venture alone. With His love and protection, I will get through and there will be growth and it will be just what I had needed at the time. God's Will and the dust. Its all good!
